G.I. Joe … A Real American Bore?

I know, I’m about a month late with this review but, hey, you can forgive me considering it wasn’t a great movie; I was in no rush to give it any more publicity than it was already receiving.

It’s safe to say by any self-respecting, intelligent adult’s standards that G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was an average movie … at best. It’s far more fair to say that it was kinda mediocre. So, Hollywood fails again to reach the true potential of yet another one of my beloved childhood toy franchises. (See my review of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.)

Had I had my druthers (wow, I’ve never used that term until now!), I would have made it an extremely realistic PG-13 movie featuring highly elite spec ops from a variety of military branches, being recruited to battle the emerging threat of a terrorist organization called Cobra. I would still incorporate some of the more fantastical elements of the toys (ninja, evil scientists, etc.), but base everything in reality in the same way that Jon Favreau handled Iron Man or Christopher Nolan worked Batman Begins.

Imagine the cool action that would have ensued. Michael Mann-style gun battles. Jeff Imada-choreographed fight scenes. And intense Band of Brothers-like set pieces with vehicles, missiles, and plenty of cannon fodder.

Instead, director Stephen Sommers (The Mummy franchise) aims G.I. Joe directly at kids, making a light-weight, plot hole-ridden tent pole of a movie. It lacked brains, substance, and any sense of logic. I understand that he had to appease both Hasbro and Paramount, but what part of “movie adaptation” says that you have to include bionic “Accelerator” suits that let users plow through buses and leap tall buildings in a single bound? This is supposed to be the live-action movie, but it plays more like the ’80s TV cartoon.

Worse yet, the fight choreography is pretty bland.

When the two rival ninja (Snakes Eyes and Storm Shadow) finally square off, their sword fight features the usual slashes, blocks, and stabs stolen from most Hollywood movies pretending to know what Japanese sword-fighting really looks like. There wasn’t anything particularly ninja to it.

And even Ray Park (AKA Darth Maul) who played Snake Eyes, looked hampered by the ho-hum choreography. (And why the heck did his mask have a molded mouth that doesn’t move? It’s a freakin’ mask, for God’s sake! It doesn’t need a mouth.)

The fighting, much like the rest of the flick wasn’t boring, but it most certainly wasn’t original or fresh.

In the end, G.I. Joe the movie was more The Rise of Crapola, than Real American Hero.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Comments are closed.